From email:

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day…….

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire…

I noticed your cat

Sorry!

*****

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don’t fret about it…

She moved in with me.

*****

Looking back over the years

that we’ve been together,

I can’t help but wonder…

“What the hell was I thinking?”

*****

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

*****

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

*****

I’ve always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I’ve changed my mind.

*****

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

*****

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…

That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

*****

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go…

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You’ll probably need it again.

*****

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

*****

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

*****

When we were together,

you always said you’d die for me.

Now that we’ve broken up,

I think it’s time you kept your promise.

*****

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let’s say we stop?

*****

I’m so miserable without you

it’s almost like you’re here.

*****

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

*****

So your daughter’s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it’s really good pay!