From The Past: August 11, 2005

There are some things you think will never change. However, as we get older, we all begin to change, even if it’s in subtle ways. Something that has changed with me over the summer is darkness – the need for darkness in the house at night.

I have always slept with the hall light on. When the kids were very small, they needed the light left on in case they had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Truth be told, I needed it too. It was always nice if I awoke in the middle of the night to be able to look out into the hallway and reassure myself that no one was standing there getting ready to kill me.

But Ashley has worn a sleep mask for over a year now, so the light was no longer a benefit to her. Andrew began closing his bedroom door at night, so the light didn’t benefit him either. Still, I reasoned with myself, they might need the light if they got up for some reason.

Over the course of the summer, the light suddenly became an irritation to me. It was keeping me awake instead of being reassuring and helping me fall asleep. I would wake in the middle of the night and instead of checking the hall to make sure no one was there; I would bury my head under the covers and wish that it wasn’t turned on.

Finally, I came to the realization, the light had been on all this time not for the kids, but for me. I had needed that constant in my life. I needed the comfort; the kids didn’t.

So, after many years of light, when we go to bed these days, we are plunged into total darkness. You would not believe how much faster I get to sleep! Who would have known!