If you are easily offended, please skip the post below. It’s from the past, but I couldn’t not post it. I find it just as funny now as I did then.

From The Past: December 1, 2004

Do I have a story to tell today or what! I only hope that I can do it justice and that you can picture everything in your mind. It has to do with the church visitors. For arguments sake we’ll call the visitors Jim & Debbie. Last night was visitation and last night they went to my sister Jennifer’s house. I am betting it may very well be the last time. Here is what she relayed to me:

About a week ago Jennifer deposited a large sum of money into her checking account (think: thousands). The bank messed up and put this money into someone else’s account. In the meantime, Jennifer writes over $1,000 worth of checks and they all bounce. The bank eventually straightened things out and put the money into her account, but the water bill that she had paid by check bounces. Instead of calling her to see what was up, the water company promptly arrives at her home and turns off her water. This was at lunchtime. She called the water company and told them that her husband would pay the bill at 2 that afternoon when he got off of work. They agreed to turn the water back on as soon as the bill had been paid. So, Jennifer goes back to work.

It had poured rain all day yesterday. Jennifer had to collect five Herbie’s (trash cans) from the curb in front of the doctor’s office where she works, in this torrential rain. By the time she had finished putting them back in place, she was soaked to the bone (and probably looking like death). She got home around 6:30 wanting to take a shower, only to discover that the water company had still not turned on her water. Dirty clothes were piled high, dishes were in the sink. The lunch dishes from earlier that day were still on the kitchen table waiting to be washed. She sat down for not even five minutes to catch her breath and the doorbell rings. Thinking that this is her husband coming home, she answers the door. It’s Jim and Debbie from church and they’ve come callin’! Oh joy!

Jennifer escorts them upstairs where she has two comfy couches that face one another. Jim and Debbie take one couch and Jennifer and her three-year-old daughter, Sydnee take the other. (At this point I don’t know where Jesse, her other daughter was). Jennifer hopes that they don’t look into the kitchen and notice all of the dirty dishes piled high. She also hopes they won’t notice Sydnee in her dress-up clothes because they look like rags that orphans would wear. Oh well, it was too late so she sat there.

All of a sudden Jim and Debbie got horrid looks on their faces. Jennifer didn’t know what was wrong, but looked in the direction of their eyes which was on Sydnee. It was only then that Jennifer realized Sydnee was not wearing panties. There she was, sitting with her legs wide open, and her fingers working where the sun doesn’t shine.

I have no idea what Jennifer did. All she said was, “What are you supposed to say? Huh? Huh?” It’s really too bad that the story doesn’t end here, but it doesn’t. Keep reading.

While Sydnee was “playing”, Jennifer’s other three-year-old, Jesse, had climbed up in the middle of the kitchen table. Yes, the same kitchen table with all of the dirty dishes. Jennifer had placed a vase with fake flowers in the center of the table. She filled this vase with colored red water to make it look pretty. Well, Jesse turned that vase over and spilled all of the water. When she was done, she said, “Oh, sh*t!” Jennifer was dying at this point. I asked her what Jim and Debbie were saying and she said that they weren’t saying anything: they were enjoying the show. Since Jesse’s clothes were wet, she stripped down buck naked and ran around the house.

Harold had just bought some beer at the local Wal-Mart, but luckily, he left that out in the truck seeing that the church people had come callin’. He brought in some Taco Bell for their dinner. Jennifer said that their dinner sat on the table for 15 minutes before Jim and Debbie had enough sense to leave.

Jennifer says that she’s sure Jim and Debbie “laid hands” on her house as they left! Maybe next time she’ll take a lesson from us and not answer the door!